Thinking Out Of The Box

As many people have just finished or in the middle of the exams I thought this was quite an important topic to blog about. As someone who has struggled with self doubt and confidence throughout my life questioning my abilities and beating myself up over making mistakes and a fear of failure. Rationally I know I've worked very hard to get where I am today, have faced a lot of obstacles and challenges and shown a lot of determination. But when your in the middle of the vicious circle of anxiety and it's "lies" can try and tell you otherwise.

One of the reasons I think dyspraxics can doubt themselves so much comes down to lack of public understanding of what dyspraxia is and how it affects people (which I went into more depth in a recent blog) this lack of awareness alongside ignorance or bullying which can affect confidence and self esteem. I know my past experiences of bullying have definitely had an impact on my self doubt, it's learning to heal again. Since first writing this blog there has been confirmation that Dyspraxia Foundation will work alongside dyslexia charities on a DfE project for teacher training which is a welcome step forward for dyspraxia awareness.

For a lot of dyspraxics anxiety and mental health issues can come alongside each other. Self doubt and the negative spiral thoughts when you're feeling anxious can make you think you'll make mistakes, mess up a situation, or question how you've managed to achieve something, when rationally your mind knows how much hard work, grit and dedication you've put in to get yourself there. Or even question your ability in things which you enjoy. You also have to remember what your strengths are and what you're good, some tasks may always be hard for you or take you slightly longer than others, but there will be some which you're good at.

But I think in your lowest moments, the moments when you hit rock bottom and feel like you're submerged in the storm, I feel like when I'm really struggling with anxiety that it's like being trapped inside my head. But there is always a little voice (hope) which is telling you to keep going. It's important that these feelings you may be feeling now are temporary, you never know what might happen in the future or who you might meet.I never say I fight my dyspraxia/dyslexia as it is something which will always be there, but my anxiety and low moods are a constant battle and throughout my life both my family and I have had to fight for me to get the right help, support and understanding. I know I have a lot of wonderful parents who read my blogs who will be facing very similar battles you probably have had your self worth dented by being dismissed but you too should feel very proud of your resilience.

I recently blogged about dyspraxia, anxiety and the unknown, as one of my biggest struggles is stepping out of my safe comfort zone, meeting new people, travelling to new places and having new experiences. My social anxiety can often cast a shadow over these and I can catastrophise situations thinking the worst will happen, whilst more often than not everything ends up ok or even if it doesn't the overwhelming rushes of anxiety eventually pass. Sometimes anxiety can appear for no reason what so ever and it can make you feel so uncomfortable, but you just have to keep reminding yourself that this feeling will pass. My lovely friend Alice recently blogged about how she stepped out of her comfort zone to travel around India and in it she talks about her own resilience to keep going throughout the trip.  Living with a hidden difference or disability and constantly having to come up with different coping mechanisms  or ways of carrying out tasks means your brains are working 10x harder to carry out tasks, that shows a lot of determination and exhaustion.

 I've been stepping out of my comfort zone a little bit over the last few weeks and attending social situations which had quite a bit of new and unpredictability. I recently helped out at the Dyspraxia Foundation spring ball raising money and awareness for their helpline, did a bucket collection for Manchester Mind and this weekend I traveled solo to visit my wonderful friend Paris for her birthday, before all of the events safe to say I felt really sick, anxious and overwhelmed.There was a few tears, anxiety attacks and feeling of self doubt before I even left the house and it took a while for me not to feel constantly on edge in the new social environments.

But what helped me not avoid the situations completely was reassurance and encouragement, whether it be from friends and communities online or by the people who I was meeting. Those words (and hugs) of reassurance and understanding that it was something I found challenging meant a lot to me. I've always been quite self conscious how visibly upset I get when I feel anxious or overwhelmed, but the reassurance gave me that bit of encouragement to keep going and not avoid the situation. Everyone is different and needs reassurance in different ways and a lot of the time just giving someone a bit of your time, a hug or and encouraging message can mean the world. Thanks to the encouragement I've been given over the last few years it has helped me achieve more than I ever thought I was capable of, this blog reaching over 100,000 views is testament to that. I've also been made aware that both the bucket collection and ball were a success which gave me a warm fuzzy feeling of knowing I had helped make a difference. As for visiting Paris, we laughed and laughed some more, and sometimes laughter is all you need.

 I have quite a way to go in learning to manage my anxiety but my own difficulties with my own self doubt and confidence have made me determined both in my job as a learning support in a college and all of my awareness work to be an encouraging voice to others or those who have a relative or loved one who may be going through similar struggles, help build often very fragile self worth and maybe offer some hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Knowledge can be such a powerful tool in helping others who may be experiencing similar. If you've found any of these blogs have helped at all  (thank you for your kindness so far) and I am lucky enough to be shortlisted for the National Diversity Awards please consider nominating me- https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669name=Rosie%20Edmondson  I hope to keep raising the profile of dyspraxia.

Whatever situation you end up facing whether it being an exam, the unknown or a day to day task, maybe you're fighting to get you or your child the right help and understanding, amongst the frustration which has come with it feel proud of yourself and be proud of the little things many people would never think of.

Frustration is something we all experience during life, whether it be at school, university, the workplace or just in general. We all encounter stressful situations, ones we feel uncomfortable in or feel like our skills are under appreciated.

The frustrations which go alongside a hidden or visible difference, disability or illness are ones which people struggle with but often don't have the confidence to talk about. Ever since I was a child I've always been a very determined, stubborn (I'm a Taurean) soul, determined to keep going with whatever life decides to through at me. But along with that has been a lot of frustration at either struggling with day to day tasks or the environment around me.

When I used to come home from school two things normally happened, I either fell asleep exhausted or would end up in floods of tears and my family having to walk on egg shells, the smallest of things triggering an emotional response but then afterwards feeling very guilty for expressing my emotion like that. In reality at the time I had no idea how dyspraxia affected me, I just knew my brain was telling me to do one thing and my body didn't want to co-operate. When we got dressed for P.E I was always the slowest, gripping onto a chair for balance whilst at the time looking puzzled when it was pointed out that half of my labels were showing. I tried so hard but was making so many mistakes and so much mess at the same time and I worked so much slower than everyone else. But my effort was never noticed, it was always, "must try harder and try to be neater." Which made my frustration levels rise even more and it made me feel so isolated, confused and different to my peers.

Struggling with day to day tasks is something which I feel has a slight stigma attached to it, a lot of people whether there's a label for it or not feel embarrassed either admitting or talking about, through fear of coming across as stupid or careless. But in reality it's something a lot of people do find tricky. It can often be confusing when people see I have  achieved quite a high level of education yet can struggle with basic tasks such as: crossing the road, brushing my hair, remembering to eat a meal, keeping up with a conversation or to go up and down stairs. If I was to list everything it would probably fill this blog post and whilst I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms even for those my brain is having to process every movement and is having to work 10x harder. Dyspraxia is quite complex too and is so much more than the physical side, a lot of people struggle with social skills. Most people do tasks without thinking for dyspraxics you're constantly aware of every little thing involved, and then of course in typical dyspraxic fashion those wires get tangled and mistakes happen. Which can be difficult to understand as a person I am very conscientious and worry about making sure I do a good job. One of the biggest frustrations is because a disability or difference is hidden or invisible to the eye people assume they don't exist.

An onset of that is anxiety, low mood and difficulty controlling my emotions. Over the years I've really struggled to manage my frustrations in a positive way. Anxiety is simply more than just being a worrier it can be debilitating and zap all the enjoyment in life. My wonderful friend Claire has recently written a blog about how frustrating anxiety can be in her recent blog which can be found here: http://eclairscares.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/the-frustation-that-comes-with-anxiety.html In it she talks about how anxiety can affect situations many people take for granted such as: volunteering, spending time with friends or simply relaxing and enjoying life. I could also relate to her description of wanting to isolate yourself from others and not wanting to put anyone out or annoy anyone in situations which cause me anxiety. Often building a wall around me, pushing loved ones away from me, which then makes me feel guilty.

Alongside the worry comes difficulties with confidence and self belief and needing a lot of reassurance. Reassurance that I haven't made an idiot out of myself and that people don't hate me and that the physical symptoms I'm experiencing don't mean I'm going to be ill or that a loved something bad will happen to a love one, and that I'll not do as badly as my mind is telling me. I can appreciate that it can get annoying, but the reassurance means more than you'll ever know.

Learning to manage my frustrations more positively has always been a struggle and learning to challenge self destructive behaviours ,emotions and thoughts into more manageable ones has been a  difficult for me, but recent therapy is slowly helping me with this, whilst at the same time helping me build my self worth. It's something I know is going to take time and will be something I'll always have to work on, but baby steps forward.

The world around us can be overwhelming if you process it differently, so many noises, sounds, smells and people it can feel like there is too much information going on. I describe it as feeling like there is a bowl of spaghetti in your head. Then there's the sheer exhaustion from it all, when your brain is working 10x harder mixed in with an overwhelming environment it can really affect your fatigue and energy levels. One thing I'm slowly learning to do is stop comparing myself to others. When you're in a negative thought pattern it's easy to think that it's just you experiencing your struggles and feel very isolated.

In reality despite what the anxiety or low mood might be telling you, you aren't stupid or thick, or worthless, you have a lot to offer this world. Most importantly there are many others out there going through what you are, you aren't alone and if these blogs have helped people feel less alone it is always worthwhile. If I am lucky enough to be shortlisted for the National Diversity Awards (thank you for your kindness so far it means so much) - https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669name=Rosie%20Edmondson  I hope to keep raising the profile of dyspraxia. (Please also nominate my wonderful friend Alice, I'm sure you read my blogs as well as mine- search Alice Hewson)
 For me one way managing my frustration over the last few years is to raise awareness, fundraising, writing these blogs and help others. In my last blog I talked about how blogging has helped me with the frustrations of struggling to express myself and social anxiety.  Being able to give something back to causes which have  personally helped me and meeting others at events who have experienced similar gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside which helps the sickness or dread of anxiety. Also getting away from city life is so important, in holidays I spend as much quality time as I can walking my dog and I'm lucky to have my boyfriend Matt who is very kind in knowing when I need some time out.

Please don't judge someone for what they do to manage their frustration you never know what struggles they're facing, look a little deeper. Most defiantly don't belittle someone when you see them making mistakes, see past face value and give someone a little bit of time and patience. After all we all need a little bit of encouragement from time to time.


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