Thinking Out Of The Box

One of the hardest things I have always struggled with is my confidence and my worth in life, I hope this reaches out and helps someone out there.

Growing up I was lucky that I came from a stable background, we never had lots, but my parents both worked incredibly hard to provide for me and it was a home full of love. This is something I am very grateful for.

Even from a young age I remember not feeling amazing about myself, I put that down to a lot of the bullying and misunderstanding I faced in education then the workplace from being dyspraxic, personal events which came from this and feeling different. I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)  not something I will ever go into any detail on any blogs but I'm sure any of you who are aware of it know it doesn't make you feel very good about yourself at times.

I have always been very self critical about myself and far too hard on myself. Around that age I also started showing signs of anxiety at the time I had no idea why I worried so much, why I got myself in such emotional states and why I was such a sensitive soul. I know my mum was always a worrier due to lack of understanding from my school about dyspraxia/dyslexia, and it always made me feel so sad seeing someone be so hard on themselves.

Helping people has always been something I've been always been very passionate about and always will, and something I'm sure stems from my emotional sensitivity.  I've always been determined that nobody should go through what I have or feel what I have, whether it be friends, family, my job or in general anyone in life who is struggling or feels sad. I absolutely hate the thought of someone feeling alone in life or struggling in silence. I've always had so much passion for the causes I believe in and the people who reach out to them, having the confidence in myself has always been so much harder. People close to me have often described me as someone who has their heart on their sleeve and someone who likes to please others, which can be a strength as I care a lot about others but also someone who has struggled with assertiveness and standing up for myself.

Realising my own worth and deserving of help has been a lot harder of a journey. I've always struggled with treating myself and with self care, and if something positive happens to me it makes me feel uncomfortable and I struggle to relax and enjoy myself. I've always struggled in interviews when you get the dreaded "tell us a bit more about yourself," and never been one for liking a lot of fuss or being centre of attention.

I always felt like there was so many more people in life with such worse problems than me, and who were fighting so many brave battles. I had help in the past and it didn't work properly as I never thought I deserved the help, but in reality my anxiety was crippling, making my physically unwell, I was having regular anxiety attacks and all of that emotion was making me depressed. It was only when I realised the impact it was having on my boyfriend seeing how upset and anxious it was making him seeing me torture myself and that I was pushing away the person who cared about me the most.

Anxiety UK have recently launched a campaign called #thingsishouldhavesaid We all have them. That conversation we wished we could have had, the sentence we wish we could've said, which anxiety whirls around at night. I'm sure I've had many of these over the years. If you need any comfort please check that hashtag out, and contact them, they're an amazing group of people with their hearts in the right place which is so lovely to see.

Recently I have started more help and hope to fight my demons for good, it will take time to heal and feel better about myself but I have realised that has been my anxiety/depression  making me feel bad and that everyone deserves to begin to love themselves. Most importantly I've started accepting my anxiety, and realised everyone is different we all have different triggers and struggles. It's so important we don't make generalisations about mental health.  I am so much more than my anxiety and I am Rosie and deserve to start living and enjoying life instead of spending my life worrying. I will probably always be a naturally sensitive soul, and confidence will never come easy to me, but it's time to start being as kind to myself as I am to others. I will never also never stop helping people but to help people properly I've needed to help myself first, it may be a hard struggle but I'm determined to never give up.

 Recently I was nominated for positive role model for disability at the National Diversity awards, initially I went bright red and for ages I thought to myself, "how on earth am I a positive role model? I'm just Rosie." After being told off by many people close to me that I needed to be prouder of myself, I've slowly come to see maybe what I do has reached out and helped other-well I hope it has. If I can help one person who may have been feeling what I have over the years not give up and believe in themselves then all will be worthwhile. Thank you for all your kindness so far it's overwhelming, if you get a spare moment it would mean a lot if you nominated me. https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie+Edmonson

Mental illness is never a choice, it doesn't matter who you are, what background you come from, what positive things happen to you. If any of this blog resonates with any of you, please realise you are worthy and deserving of love, help, and happiness.

No matter who you are who is reading this blog you will all have your little insecurities about your body. In this blog I want to talk about how being dyspraxic can cause people to have real insecurities and confidence issues about their body. It can be really hard at times to love your body when it doesn't decide to work how you want it to, or the messages from the brain to various parts of the body get confused. As with all my blogs no two people with dyspraxia are the same and everyone is different and will have different insecurities and struggles.

When people think of dyspraxia they might see it as someone being a bit clumsy, having messy handwriting or not enjoying P.E lessons at school. Some might think all it needs is for someone to have use of a laptop or assistive technology which can help especially with academic studies. When people think of dyspraxia they often assume it's the same as dyslexia and the support needed is the same, but there's a lot of differences. Dyspraxia is so much more than just that, it is something which affects your day to day life and day to day tasks many people take for granted.

From a very young age I've always been very aware how I moved differently to everyone else around me, from the way I walk with a clumsy gait, to being very heavy footed and the world knowing it is  coming, to gripping on for dear life to the banister whilst going up and down stairs to simply walking in a straight line and that's just walking.  As a child I was always late reaching my milestones and the way I moved always made me stand out. Being dyspraxic means I struggle with the motor skills to complete day to day tasks, accurately and neatly, without injuring myself or trying not to bump into other people.

Day to day tasks which can be around the house such as: cooking, cleaning, maintaining a tidy space, self care tasks which all require a lot of co-ordination and fine motor control. Which are also physical skills needed in the workplace. This can lead to a lot of frustration and self doubt. Anxiety can also make you catastrophise situations so you might think everything is going to go wrong, but in reality all ends up ok. But it also gives a sense of determination to keep going and find other ways round completing tasks.

The impact of tiredness, time restrictions, stress and anxiety and sensory processing difficulties (sometimes altogether) can have a huge impact on a dyspraxics day, they all make you so much more wary of making mistakes. The outside world can be a very exposing and overwhelming place for us dyspraxics from transport, shopping, getting from one place to another, socialising, to exercising. There still is quite a lot of ignorance surrounding hidden difficulties and disabilities, and often lack of general awareness to what dyspraxia is which can cause anxieties to rise.

It can be very easy to compare yourself to others something which I know I can be really bad for doing, When you can see these tasks taking you so much longer than everyone else, or not being able to do them after lots of tries and lots of mess it can be very frustrating, and often you can beat yourself up a lot about it too, and wonder "why on earth have I done that?" But I think it's important to remember everyone is on their own unique journey.


Exercise is a very sensitive area for many dyspraxics as it can remind people of bad experiences of P.E at school, being left out and bullying. Like many dyspraxics I hated P.E at school and used to dread the thought of running round a field whilst flapping like an un-coordinated duck or trying not to knock myself out with a hockey stick. I probably spent more time going to retrieve dropped balls than catching them or hitting them. I think it's important to find something which you enjoy and do it in your own pace, and choose the time you do it so you feel the most comfortable. I've always enjoyed swimming I may not be the most co-ordinated of swimmers but enjoy having a relaxing swim in an empty pool after a busy week at work at my own pace.

One of my biggest anxiety issues related to my dyspraxia is a fear of falling, or over balancing. Due to weak muscle tone in my ankles I've experienced quite a few torn ligaments over the years, leading to my right ankle being broken. At one point I was going over on my ankle very regularly, and it made me and still does very wary. Scared that if I fall the first thing that will go will be my ankle. Some people may say I'm too cautious, and I remember once being told I go down the stairs like a grandma, but it will be something I'm always very wary of. I'm hoping although to manage the anxiety which comes with it and hopefully feel more confident in my body and movements.

My lovely friend Hannah blogged about Hypermobility Joint Syndrome and as a lot of dyspraxics also struggle with it I thought I would share one of the blogs she has written about her own experiences: https://hannanarscrawls.wordpress.com/2015/06/19/hyper-mobility-joint-syndrome-all-pain-is-real/
I think it's really important for people who might know a dyspraxic (and any other hidden difficulty or disability)  whether it be a friend, family member, or someone you might work with or know to understand that there is no on and off switch, you never know when someone is going to have a bad day, week or month it's not a choice. You can't decide to not be dyspraxic for the night if you're off for an evening out. Understanding someone's coping strategies is just as important as understanding their dyspraxia, they may do tasks in different ways, go from a different approach and take a lot longer and need more tries to attempt them or even some help, but please don't judge just because they are invisible struggles, a little patience and empathy can go a long way. Subtle positive encouragement and reassurance can really boost someone's confidence too, especially if you know it's been a tough day or you know a task might be a challenge.

My own struggles have defiantly brought me some strengths though and I think when you feel down or having a bad day it's important to remember what you're good at and what you enjoy. Remember when you beat yourself up, you deserve to be kinder to yourself.  Being dyspraxic has made me very non judgmental and have a lot of patience and empathy for others. It has made me very determined and resilient and give me a sense of appreciation in life, when you struggle with day to day tasks, and find ways round them it really makes you appreciate those little achievements in life and appreciate the little achievements others make too. Also the ability to laugh at myself as there's never a dull moment living with dyspraxia.

Being kind to myself and learning self love is something I've never found easy, I can often be my worst enemy, it's so easy to be hard on yourself than use compassion, but it's something I'm trying to work on. How do you help yourself feeling positive about yourself? Why not leave a comment below to help others who might be feeling the same. But always remember when you're having a bad day that you're trying your best and that's enough. Taking care of yourself is never being selfish.

From a very young age I've always been very aware of how different I was to those around me, in height, socially and by my body worked. When I was four I was diagnosed dyspraxic. My mum always tells me even though I found day to day day tasks (and still do) a challenge I always had a go and always been really determined. Around that age I decided to give ballet a try, grace, co-ordination and balance has never been something I've been good at (you know it's me coming up and down the stairs by how heavy footed I am.) But nevertheless I gave it a try, but it was then my mum was approached by the ballet teacher and told "was there something wrong with me? Why was I backwards?" It was from that young age my family were aware of the struggle of getting others to understand such a misunderstood hidden difficulty.

Growing up I used to go up to my mum in tears asking,"why I had never been asked to any of the other children's birthday parties? Why did nobody wanted to play with me in the playground or join in with any of the imaginary horse games I had made up? (always been one for having a good imagination) Or why nobody wanted me on their team for P.E?" I was constantly questioning to myself, "what must I have done wrong?" I simply just never fitted in, I had very different interests to my peers group, whilst the rest of the girls were starting to apply make-up and roll in drunk after a night out, I was listening to cheesy pop music, or taking my dog for a walk. I could never name you the latest trends but if you asked me to name S club 7 or Steps's back catalogue I was your girl (still very much aware of these details even today.)
I felt very anxious, lost and alone and thought it was simply just me being me and I must have been some kind of outcast given the amount of bullying which was happening which was making me feel very low and having a very negative self concept about myself and I began to self harm- not something I go into detail in any blogs but I think it's an important issue which affects many and if you are struggling there is help out there. As cringy as it sounds I never thought anyone would like me.

 It wasn't till I was in my early 20's I met the first person who also had dyspraxia, it was quite a surreal experience. Around that time I was diagnosed dyslexic which made another piece of the puzzle make sense to me and why I struggled so much with spelling and why reading my uni work took me longer than others to make sense of. Quite a number of years later I attended my first of many Dyspraxia Foundation conferences. They are simply more than just a conference, they bring people together, parents, young people and adults with dyspraxia alike.  On days when dyspraxia makes me have mistake, after mistake and you don't know why, or when my  legs resemble the colour of a puddle from bruises. On days when anxiety makes me curl up into my duvet too scared to see the world, frustrated with my body and I end beating myself up for being curled up for being so anxious it can give you hope. Hope in those dark times that it's not just you, and that your struggles are similar to those other than you.  My lovely friend Claire has written a blog about anxiety and panic attacks, she's not dyspraxics but as many dyspraxic's can struggle with them, I thought others might want a read: http://eclairscares.blogspot.co.uk/2016/03/lets-talk-about-panic-attacks.html  As someone who finds it difficult talking in groups and in unknown situations conferences and meet ups have also given me confidence. The amount of times I've been in a group situation being too scared in case I said something silly so I just wouldn't speak or have the confidence to form an opinion. To be able to do that has given me the courage to apply it to other situations such as: doing speeches and filming.

They also have helped me find many people who have simply "got it" I was lucky enough to spend quite a bit of time with the lovely Alice over the conference please have a look at her most recent blog about dyspraxia and anxiety http://mindtank.co.uk/2016/03/08/youll-be-ok/ We chatted about our own experiences of dyspraxia, anxiety and of course S club 7 (who would have thought!) One of those where have you been all my life moments. We both had our fair share of travel issues before arriving in Birmingham. But if you are dyspraxic or a parent of a dyspraxic or someone simply wanting to find out more, I think I can speak for both of us by saying, they're eyeopening and worth all the stress which often comes before. There's also quite a few online communities for those affected by dyspraxia whatever age or parents to interact with each other. Recently I've been involved with the Dyspraxia Foundation Youth group, from my own experiences growing up it's something I'm really passionate about.

The dyspraxia acceptance journey is an emotional roller coaster ride for everyone involved, it has a lot of ups, a lot of emotional and overwhelming downs, quite a lot of tangled up twists of chaos, but also a good sprinkling of creative original thinking. Even though dyspraxia is a life long difficulty and doesn't just simply go away into adulthood, all my own experiences over the years have made me determined, determined that nobody should feel alone, and that there are others out there too. This week my blog reached 90,000 views, a huge thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with me on my journey over the last few years. I've also very kindly been nominated for positive role model for disability at the National Diversity awards. If my blogs have helped at all would mean a lot if you voted for me https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie+Edmonson

I also know that  I am not backwards nor is there something wrong with me, just different and wouldn't the world be a boring place if we were all the same.  I hope whether you're reading this blog as a fellow dyspraxic, dyslexic or have a hidden difference or disability, a parent, teacher or someone who wants to find out more. Maybe you struggle with anxiety or mental health issues or just feel different, that these blogs are a little bit of encouragement for you. Thank you for helping me get the word out and helping others understand dyspraxia and thank you to all who work at The Dyspraxia Foundation for all their support, hugs and kind words.

Everybody deserves to feel like they belong somewhere in this world, that it's ok to be different and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to tell my teenage self that days and times like this would come, and amongst the darkness, the worry and the bad which happens in life, some good can come out of it too. Never loose hope, I may not be able to tell my younger self this, but I can tell others who might be reading this now.

The world we live in is is a very unpredictable, with changes to day to day life from routines, to circumstances to the unknown  it is a very chaotic place to live at times. For people who think and have brains wired in a different way, this unpredictability can be overwhelming and anxiety inducing. As with all of my blogs no two people with dyspraxia are the same and everyone will have their own different challenges and weaknesses. I thought it was also important to mention when I discuss some of the social difficulties dyspraxics may struggle with some people may ask if dyspraxia is on the autistic spectrum, it isn't but some people do have some overlapping difficulties. Even if you aren't dyspraxic I know for anyone who struggles with anxiety the unknown and "what ifs" can be a real challenge so I hope it helps people feel less alone.

In this blog I'm going to talk about three areas which can be a real struggle with dyspraxics: new environments, transport and social situations. In life people always say first impressions count, which they do but I think it's important to remember that some people take a little bit more time to feel comfortable and relaxed and may need a little bit more time for you to get to know them. If you're one of those people then it's ok. If you're reading this and the anxiety issues mentioned seem familiar whether you're dyspraxic or not there is help out there. There's amazing charities out there like Anxiety UK and your GP who can point you in the direction of help such as: CBT, everyone is different and different techniques for managing anxiety are different for everyone.

Before encountering a new environment it will inevitably involve transport, transport can be a real struggle for dyspraxics for a number of reasons. Making sure you know what time you have to get on a bus/train and often the mad rush and panic when you realise you might miss the bus/train you want. Then the anxiety of trying to judge the distance between the platform or ground to the bus/train and trying to tell yourself that you won't fall, likewise unpredictable automatic doors and not knowing how long you have before the doors or the fear that the doors will close on you and trap you in. Then comes the difficulty of trying to find a seat and managing being around lots of crowds of people can lead to anxiety attacks and/or sensory overload. Then of course is when something goes wrong and there's either delays, cancellations or changes of route which can be a challenge. I can find travelling a bit of a nightmare, but have recently discovered distraction techniques and trying to sit or stand by a door so if I need to get off or out I can do more easily.

New environments can just seem a complete jumble of confusion, the thought of orienting yourself around a new place which has so much new in it when you struggle with spatial awareness and where your body needs to be in time distance and place. It will always take a while for me to get my bearings and feel less disoriented, I've been known to get lost in towns I've known all my life, so new places can be even more of a struggle. Since moving to London I've discovered find my friends app so if my boyfriend isn't with me he can still help to direct me around. Going on holiday is something I've always found a challenge whether it be in the UK for a break away or abroad. Often my brain will catastrophise situations and think of everything which might go wrong, when your brain thinks outside of the box and sees the bigger picture it can see everything and every situation which can be exhausting.

Managing my emotion in new and uncertain environments is something which I always found hard. For a long time if I felt overwhelmed I would try and run away or escape in floods of tears, which can also be described as flight or fight and I was defiantly flying. Over time I've managed to control this slightly more but it's still a struggle. If you see someone whether it be young or old visibly upset or overwhelmed in a public place please don't pass judgement and see past face value.

The social side of dyspraxia is something which many struggle with all in different ways, often people can struggle with making and maintaining friendships. This can be for many reasons feeling different to peers, being able to follow a conversation with background noise and social anxiety. I experience a lot of social anxiety especially in situations which I don't know people well or it's the first time meeting, I can go very quiet and not speak very much and it can take a while for me to come out of my shell and feel comfortable and relaxed. Or I do the complete opposite and waffle on about random topics. I find I constantly rehearse conversations I might be having and unless it's my mum, boyfriend or someone very close to me would struggle meeting and socialising with people randomly.

Everyone gets upset if changes to plan happen and if you struggle with anxiety it can be easy to get into a negative spiral and to think everything might be going wrong and be ruined. Challenging those negative thoughts can be difficult and something to take little steps with.

To help mange some of my social anxieties I have routines not everyone with dyspraxia will have these, but to me they give me familiarity and predictability. I'm not going to discuss what they are here as they are personal to me but I thought it would be important to mention. Also a lot comes down to confidence and worrying that I might make mistakes and that people would be upset or I would be making an idiot of myself. Background noise and group social size can be a real challenge for some dyspraxic's too. If you give someone a chance and a chance to come out of their shell in an environment they feel comfortable in you never know what you might gain.

This blog has been quite an important blog for me to write, I recently attended a meeting with the Dyspraxia Foundation Youth board where were discussing dyspraxia and mental health at the recent Birmingham conference and its something which I know myself and a few others are quite passionate about raising awareness about. I've also very kindly been nominated for positive role model for disability at the National Diversity awards. If my blogs have helped at all would mean a lot if you voted for me so I can keep raising the profile of dyspraxia and getting the word out.
https://nominate.nationaldiversityawards.co.uk/Nominate/Endorse/29669?name=Rosie+Edmonson