Monday 29 December 2014

2014- Light At The End Of The Tunnel

As a final blog of the year blog I thought I'd reflect  about the year which has been and also as a huge thank you to everyone who has read my blogs and stood by me over the last year, I'm so so grateful if you've had a read of one of my blogs, I hope it might have helped one of you or even if not you maybe a family or friend. 2014 has been an emotional roller coaster and has had many highs but many many lows too, but I can say at the end of it all I made it, I got through it. If you told me 12 months ago I'd have got through it all I would never have believed it, but somehow I've found the inner strength despite everything to survive. I've become a lot more emotionally strong in the last year or so. One of the main reasons behind it all I think is my passion and determination to help others, so others don't have to go though the same pain as I have had to. If my story can be relatable or help others in any small way, to show them that I suppose you can change your life around. I've realised the need for positivity and being surrounded by positive people and removing toxic people and situations from my life. This is something very hard for me as my literal way of thinking means I always see the best in everyone. I will always be the kind of person who is kind and nice to everyone. But for my life to change for the better I realised that I had to get out of my job, it was making me physically, mentally an emotionally unwell and I lost all my confidence and self belief. But something made me realise I needed to do something about it, seeing my boyfriend and mum in tears everyday because they could tell how much I was struggling made me realise I needed to help myslef. It took a long time for me to realise I had to help myself, as I always believed other people deserve it all, I also worried something bad would happen to other people who were struggling if I wasn't helping them all the time. I can't say enough how important it is if you think you or
a friend is struggling to seek help, as scary as it is, it is worth it. I'm not going to lie getting the right help and support is a long battle and struggle. But don't be scared to talk to
Someone, if you can tell something isn't just quite right with your friend talk
to them and if it carries on for a while maybe you notice they seem down all the time, avoiding activities, worrying a lot or just don't seem them self then encourage them to seek help and be there for them throughout the process. Needing help doesn't mean you're a weak person, we all need help from time to time in life. Be brave you can do it, and slowly things might start to get a little brighter.

The one thing I wish and I hope and I always fight for is that hidden conditions get the understanding they need. That people won't assume and maybe think that there could be a reason for someone to struggle. Invisible conditions and illnesses can effect everyone, look
Around you the next time you're in a shopping centre or at a concert you never know what someone could be struggling with. Let's hope eventually hidden conditions will get the same undertanding and support visible ones do. When I twisted my ankle in the summer and was on crutches my problems became a lot more visible, I had people constantly being concerned about me, the escalators even got turned off for me. I had people moving out of their seats. It really made me think that I wish the same level of undedstanding was there for hidden conditions, when you struggle sometimes you are met with glares, or sighs or people shouting at you to stop being so careless or when you struggle with anxiety and get shaky and panicky people can look at you like they don't know what to do. Talking about hidden conditions should not be a taboo subject, it's important to remember that sadly a lot of people due to lack of teacher training at school slip through the net, there are a lot of adults out there who may never have got a diagnosis yet have struggled throughout their lives. Sometimes they are perceived odd or weird but without the coping strategies they need, they might not know what to do. But with the right help and support hidden conditions don't need to be a barrier to success and independent living. We just need more time to do things, be able to do things in our own way even if it means it's a lot different to everyone else, we might need a bit of help now and again, but it doesn't mean we are stupid or can't get to where we want in life. When we eventually do it means we appreciate it so much and appreciate those who have helped us along the way. In the last 12 months I have faced a lot of ignorance got told I was a bad role model, got told I couldn't do my job properly and got made to feel very useless and worthless and had high levels of self hatred. But I have been able to do a lot of charity work and awareness work to help dismiss stigma, hopefully so especially younger people know they aren't alone. A lot of People with hidden conditions feel very isolated they don't know many others who might struggle with what they do and it can be very lonely. That's why I think it's so important that people can share their stories to help others, it doesn't mean you're attention seeking. As good as it is that people in the public eye speak out as they can increase awareness in the media, I think it's just as important for people to hear stories how people cope day to day with life and get through the day. Sometimes when you feel really low and down that's all you need a listening ear some kindness to help you through the darkness. That's what I got told when I was doing my filming for dyslexia action was to think of all the children in the centres who needed help and their parents. I really enjoy talking to parents at events and telling them my story and maybe the similarities between me and their child growing up and being able to tell them it will be ok.

I honestly believe if there was more kindness in the world so many people wouldn't be struggling or be experiencing mental health conditions. If we all Stepped
Back and tried to understand others and appreciated difference and not made difference a bad thing so many people Would be a lot happier, putting someone down doesn't mean it's going to make life any easier for you, we live in a very diverse world and sometimes you have to put the
Phone down and the laptop down get off Twitter and see how diverse the world really is, how many people just live their lives through Twitter and the life Of their favourite celebrity rather than their own. If you are struggling there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise, I've literally gone through hell and back and some how found the strength to come though it all. I live independently with my boyfriend who is incredible, I now have a good job after working hard to get a degree and masters degree. Hidden conditions need not be a barrier to achieving all of this. But I still have bruises up and down my legs, trip over air and life is never a dull
Moment in the world of Rosie. You are worth so much more than feeling bad about yourslef or even going down the path of self harm and self distruction, there are people who will understand you. Even though I have a long way to go to be where I want in life and to be a confiendent person I hope
Others can see it can be ok. Dare to be different, help others be a bit of kindness in someone's bad day.

Thursday 18 December 2014

Determination

As a final blog for this year (knowing me I'll probably end up doing more) but I've decided to write this one on determination. Determination is one of the most inspiring qualities and sometimes overlooked qualities someone can have. When you get diagnosed with a hidden condition whether it be learning/medical/medical you and the people around you have a constant battle, because the condition is invisible people have very little understanding on how much someone may be struggling, so it can be a constant battle to get help, awareness and understanding. Now I'm older I can appreciate the battles, tears and anxiety my mum went through to get me a diagnosis of dyspraxia/ dyslexia she got told by my primary school I was too clever to need help and she was just an over protective parent, back then there was very little understanding of dyspraxia. A lot of people assume when someone is diagnosed with a hidden condition that they get all the help and support they need, the reality could be far from that. Not only did my mum have to fight to get me the help I needed, she had to fight against the stigma and lack of understanding about the condition, she got told I would never be able to walk properly or that I was constantly careless needed to try harder even though I was trying 10x harder than everyone else. So I suppose this inner determination has been within me and my family since I was really little.  My mum always tells me when I was a little girl and we used to go to children's playgrounds and even though I couldn't do most of the things which were there I always had the determination to have a go and a try. Even at things which are so un me. I once tried ice skating, I got told there was half an hour before the arena closed before I had to get around it. Safe to say I've never been ice skating again.


I've always tried to do things I've been told I can't do. If someone says something negative about me or tells me I won't achieve things. I'll always push myself to get there, it may take me longer but I'll always get there in the end. In the last few years I've faced a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding at the time it really affected me and had such a detrimental effect on me, but then something changed, it made me determined to make a difference so nobody went through what I had done and to make a difference through blogs, social media, charity work and fundrasing.


When you have a hidden condition people often focus on what you can't do and what you struggle with, or the quirks associated with them. People are often underestimated and people assume things can't be overcome or things will always be how they are. Over the last few years there has been an increase in people making up they have hidden illnesses or conditions on social media, to me the tell tale sign of genuinity is if people have the strength and determination to fight, things might not be easy but there will always be a glimmer even if a tiny glimmer which will have the determination to fight and not let the struggles beat them or to seek professional help in those battles. When something takes you 10x longer to achieve something it makes you appreciate it so much more. You never take anything for granted, even in the darkest times when you want to give up. If you see or know someone who you think might have a hidden condition please don't underestimate them take a few seconds to understand how long it has taken them to achieve something, they won't complain or moan about their struggles they just want a little understanding.


Since moving to London a few months ago I've become a lot happier, I'm taking up opportunities which have been given to me and have used previous negative experiences to help me change them into positives. Even though I have a long way to go, I feel like I've proved a lot of people wrong especially those who have underestimated me and said nasty things in the past. I will always have the determination to fight for the causes which mean a lot to me, everyone deserves a chance in in life and for someone to understand, there needs to be training so teachers and students alike are aware of the many struggles children and young people go through. There needs a shift in society which understand and celebrates differences and sees these as not as a burden but an assest which with the right and help understating everyone can achieve their potential in life who may just learn in a very different but possitive way.


Thursday 11 December 2014

Social anxiety, assertiveness and breaking free


Anxiety, I feel, is often overlooked because everyone experiences it from time to time. But I challenge anyone in that moment of anxiety to try and take a second, to think how they'd feel if that was what they woke up with every morning, and what they carried around every day, which was heightened in line with certain triggers.  Perhaps then they might gain a bit of understanding as to why it is so difficult a condition to live with; but until then the best we can do is share our experiences as openly and honestly as possible to give a bit of insight. It's important to note that my personal experiences come from that of someone who also has dyspraxia so yours might differ slightly to mine.
I decided to write this blog for quite a few reasons, firstly as it's coming up to Christmas time and social situations aren't easy for everyone, secondly I think there's a lot of stigma surrounding social anxiety and a lot of misconceptions, and finally like in my previous blog about self care give some tips and advice which might help others and anyone in general who might struggle in some social situations, if you do experience a lot of anxiety when you socialise it is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about and there's lots of things you can do to help yourself, even though you might not find some things easy it doesn't mean it will never happen, I think when you do overcome fears it makes you a lot more determined and appreciate things more than say someone who finds social situations really easy, so in the long run a positive can come out from it.

Social anxiety seems to be a bit of a buzz word at the moment like it's something cool to have as is the word socially awkward like they're things you'd want to be, but in reality it's such a frustrating, crippling condition. At it's worse it's all the things people take for granted such as:  making a phone call, eating in public, meeting new people and being in groups/crowds. For a lot of people these are things which people don't even think about they just do. When the condition it's self cripples your ability to try and explain it, it becomes all the more challenging! Social anxiety is also the constant worry that you're going to embarrass yourself, or make an idiot out of yoursef, or say something and nobody will "get it" and everyone will laugh at you. Then there's the post socialising feedback te constant worry that you've done something to upset someone and that people hate you and are simply putting up with you. Then comes the added stigma surrounded social anxiety when you're anxious your whole body can tense up and you can struggle to give eye contact, if you have a condition like dyspraxia or or on the autistic spectrum this can be even more harder. Social anxiety can be perceived as rudeness, two faced, that you're simply just boring, that you're odd you name it I've probably had it. When this happens it can make you feel even more self concious and insecure. I describe it sometimes as having everything you want to say in your head but  a block about trying to get it all out, as a result you can come across as very quiet and shy when you just want to be able to  get it out. Social anxiety and anxiety can also go alongside depression as afterwards you are constantly over analysing what as happened and it can make you feel very low and down when this happens  I feel like I'm a bad person and don't deserve any happiness in my life, and that I don't have anything worth giving to anyone. I also feel like noone would ever want to have anything to do with me because I'm an awful person and not someone you'd want to be around.

I had no idea until around 6 months ago ish it was social anxiety I put it all down to shyness and dyspraxia. But I knew something wasn't quite right, the thought of opening up to people filled me with dread, after a bad experience at uni disclosure was just a no go zone, when I did open up I was shaky stammery and didn't make any logical sense. I was always perceived as a bit of a people pleaser, someone who didn't have the confidence or assertiveness to stand up for myself. People assumed I only had limited interests because there was certain subjects which were safe to me even though I longed to be able to talk about more. It was like I was constantly trapped which was not only exhausting but so frustrating too. I saw people close to me who also struggled with anxiety being constantly written off and it was very upsetting to see. Maybe me explaining this will help others understand why I maybe did certain things the way I did. To be constantly perceived as a bad person was very upsetting, when in reality I just didn't have the assertive skills or confidence to speak up and explain myself clearly.

So what happened next, here comes the part in the blog where I hopefully I switch things round a little bit and talk about the positives I've done to try and overcome these issues. Being dyspraxic I probably will never be one of those people who finds social situations easy, I'll always struggle to block out back ground noise and if there are lots of conversations going on. I've always found it easier to socialise with people younger and older than me, never understood why I've found that's common in dyspraxic folk, I find older people that bit more mature and less fickle, a lot probably have children themselves and have had a lot more real life experience. Younger people sometimes see me as a motherly figure someone who is always looking out for them and looking out for them, which I like as I love helping people. Aside from accepting this one of the major things I've done is seek help both for how to cope in situations and with assertiveness. I discovered a few months ago I had never really said "no" to anyone. There's so many talking therapies around, getting there can be a challenge I was shaking from head to toe even if one doesn't work for you keep looking around. Sadly the NHS mental health system is a nit of a mess and people have to wait a long long time to access talking therapy.In the past my instinct has always been to hide the fact that I suffer from a mental health condition, as I have felt embarrassed, weak, ashamed, and misunderstood. Having finally decided that enough was enough – and realising that ultimately the main person who was suffering from my nondisclosure was me – I made a conscious choice to be more open about my anxiety and dyspraxia and dyslexia. Yet, having kept my secret so well, for so long, I wasn't sure how to even go about starting to talk about my anxiety never mind dyspraxia. This lead to me struggling with depression, a constant domino effect.
So I just decided to keep it simple and use techniques given to me by my councillor  give only the details I was comfortable with, and be as honest as was appropriate in the given situation. I also resolved that if I encountered negative reactions – as I sometimes have in the past – I would do my best not to take it personally and to understand that such responses are usually due to ignorance rather than malice. This is something very hard for the dyspraxic brain as we think quite literally and can take things to heart very easily. I began charity work and talking to people who might understand me more and understand the dyslexic/dyspraxic way of thinking, I started writing this blog and started fundraising. People with social anxiety  tend to have negative thoughts about
themselves and about what will happen in social situations. If you believe that social situations are threatening or dangerous, then you are more likely to feel anxious. However, it is important to realize that your thoughts are guesses about what will happen, not actual facts. People with social anxiety tend tover-estimate the degree of danger in social situations which can lead to avoidance.

Avoidingfeared social situations is a very effective strategy because it reduces anxiety in the
short-term. However, avoiding social situations increases your fear in the long-term
because it prevents you from learning that your feared expectations are either unlikely to
actually happen or aren’t as bad as you think. But I've found with help and the help bit is the most important thing there, with help encouragement and support taking little steps to overcome those fears. Sometimes you just have to do it. Examples for me in the last few months have been being flipped giving Mollie her birthday book and fundraiser and it going on youtube. I've always found Mollie a very calming person to meet, she has a very calming tone in her voice and always comes across as very frirndly, non assuming, non judgemental and caring. I once met her on crutches wearing my boyfriend's shoes as I'd torn a ligament in my foot badly and she told me I was beautiful and was so understanding I was probably 20x more un cordinated than normal.  I felt so proud of myself after the flip was put on youtube, even though I still cringe so much looking at it and everything I do in it but beforehand I'd been so paranoid she'd hate the book, I'd drop the fundraiser and it would smash. It also meant I had to surprise her (she had no idea she was getting the fundraiser) surprising someone you know is hard enough when it's someone who you know not very well at all even scarier. I also did some filming with dyslexia action and it meant me being open about my experiences, I was able to share the youtube video to my new boss in my new job and although initially scared she told me it was so inspiring and it had been passed around the whole college. I also stood up and talked at the dyspraxia foundation annual conference. I'm slowly becoming more assertive and learning to say no and standing my ground and taking small steps to open up to who I fully am as a person and all the interests I like and enjoy. I've realised sometimes to be nice you have to be honest, it doesn't mean you don't like someone, infact it can be the complete opposite and that you care. We all need a bit of honesty once in a while to help us go back on the right track and to help us succeed in future life. It doesn't mean you're being bitchy about someone you simply just want the best for them. I'm able to get the tube and buses by myself and go to social situations sometimes without matt.

Quick tips to help social anxiety
  • break tasks down into small parts and build on them
  • seek help if needed
  • learn breathing exercises to help self care
  • work on assertiveness if it's an issue for you
  • talk to others- you never know who might be feeling the same
  • join charities and organisations who have similar interests to you
  • be proud of yoursef and all the little steps you take to overcome things 
  • embrace differences
Quick tips to help someone who might be struggling
  • Don't perceive people to be someone who they're not and assume before not getting to know someone
  • send text or give little bits of motivational advice and praise when someone has overcome something
  • get to know people in different social situations
  • never assume someone can't or won't change, with the right help and support  and understanding barriers can be overcome 
  • ask questions, try and find as much as you can about someone, even little things like how was your journey or your day.
  • research if you know someone has a hidden condition or disability and try and understand it the best you can, ask questions too and try and find out how they effect someone's day to day life
  • be kind




Friday 5 December 2014

Self care, dealing with negative thoughts and looking after yourself

When we get caught up in the hustle and bustle of daily life we sometimes forget to look after ourselves, when you struggle with additional streses, anxieties, mental health issues, or sensory issues I think it's even more so important to make sure you take time out to look after yourself and you'll find the effect on productivity. For me personally the best thing I have done is take time and looked after myself. I got so wrapped up in helping other people, and I simply believed that other people were worth self care and being looked after more than me. When you're struggling sometimes it can feel like you don't deserve to have help or worthy of positive thoughts and it's times like these that self care can be vital. I think it's so important though that everyone considers their own self care, you don't just have to be diagnosed with a mental health issue, or  any oter struggles to give yourself some self care. Everyone can experience times of anxiety, stress, and sadness, some more than others and on a varying of degrees, and some for more prolongued amount of times, but we all need to give ourselves some tlc at times. Somtimes I tink blogs can become condition specific and people who maybe don't struggle with certain issues can feel like it wont be relevant to them or they're excluded from them, I hope this blog can help anyone out there.

During the worst times, when consumed by panic and despair, it can be hard to simply make it through each hour, and even harder to try to concentrate on anything or distract yourself. It can feel like your head is full of spagetti (when  you also add dyspraxia into the equation make that double tangled spaghetti.)

 When I feel very low and anxious my self-esteem hits rock bottom. I'm conscious about the simple things   I know this is all silly when I feel okay, but it's awful to feel like that when I'm really down. It stops me from going out, and I also feel badly about my personality on days like this. I feel like I'm a bad person and don't deserve any happiness in my life, and that I don't have anything worth giving to anyone. I also feel like noone would ever want to have anything to do with me because I'm an awful person and not someone you'd want to be around. A few months ago I would have probably felt like that for ages and didn't know what to do. In all honesty I would just start helping other people as a way to mask how I really felt. I will always always be passionate about helping people it's definately my calling in life but I realised I needed to help myself. Through advice and experiences I've been given through help I've recieved I'm going to list some points and strategies which might help other people. Wrongly there is such a long waiting time for professional help, a lot of people who are in desparate need have to wait so so long it's so unfair and even when you do get help you maybe get only a couple of sessions. So I hope this might help those who might be having that criteria. Or maybe just those who need a little bit of tlc.

This has taken a long time to happen but  when  I can tell or am triggered when a symptom raises it's head , by stopping it before it gets really bad. I can tell when it is about to come on, so I try and distract myself before I become really low.
The best advice first  I could give to those who like going on social media like myself is to turn your phone off, unless you are talking to someone who is going to help, refrain from going on sites such as Twitter, the world of Twitter can be such a mess these days, so much indirecting, so many intereting characters who we would never speak to in real life, follow people who understand you and make you feel good about yourself who you can trust, it doesn't make you a bad person if you feel like negativity on social media is bringing you down to step away from it, the people who know and care for you know who you really are. If you're struggling twitter can be trigger central sometimes, a whole tangled mess of celebrity culture. Follow people who may have other interests than celebrity cuture so your feed is more balanced and can be calmer. Having to take a little break from social media does NOT make you a bad fan of anyone who you support, live your life for you not just the celebritie you like. You're so much than a person who supports x,y,z and the real people who care like you for the person you are not just your interets. Sometimes it's easy to deal with your problems through supporting a celebrity, although celebrities can be a huge support and influence of positivity and inspiration especially at our lowest moments, they can give a lot of hope, it's also so important to deal with the struggles themseves at the same time, look after yourself as you as a person and build that up, you will feel a lot better in the long run and how to deal with situations which might occur in life I promise.

If it gets really bad the only way I’ve found to cope is either to sleep it off or to talk to someone about why I feel like that. Although when I get that bad I often take a lot of coaxing to talk to anyone – ironic really as it does help.

In the long run these self care ideas might help you feel calmer, more positive and less low and down and more balanced, always make time for you even if you hve lots of deadlines, making time for you is so important. I hope these help some of you, I hate using this word as it's become so overused on social media but you are woth recovery and feeling better about yourself.

1. Stay Active 
Make time every day to do some physical activity such as walking for 10 or 20
minutes I love walking my dog when I'm at home, I really miss doing this when I'm in London. Spending time with a pet can really calm you down and make you feel better about yourself.

2. Do something that you think is fun each day.
Even though you may need to work a little more at having fun, try doing
something that has always been fun such as a hobby or listening to music or
watching a favorite video or TV show.


3. Spend time with people who help or support you.
When you are feeling down/stressed/anxious it is easy to avoid people, but you should not be alone all the time. Choose people who you can talk to who understand you and who will help lift your mood.


4. Relaxing
 It can be hard to stop feeling sad or having unhappy thoughts. Physical activity can help and so can learning to relax. Have a bath, listen to some relaxing music, read a book, have a cup of tea even if its for 5 minuites.


5. Set simple goals.
Do not expect too much too soon. Do simple things  and focus on one task at a time s. Delay big decisions until you are feeling better. Give yourself credit for each thing you do and break work into small steps.

6.  Have a wall/box of positivity
Have a wall or box full of things or quotes people have given you, things which make you feel positive, look at them when you feel down to help boost your mood.









Things take time

Hi everyone I hope you're well? I first began to write this blog back before the first lockdown and have recently got around to re-editi...